Rules for playin and singin da Blues

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Rules for playin and singin da Blues
  • HOW TO SING THE BLUES

    by Lame Mango Washington
    (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

    1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

    3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

    4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

    5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

    7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada, except for Bio and Grooveman. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

    9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

    10. Good places for the Blues:

    a. highway
    b. jailhouse
    c. empty bed
    d. bottom of a whiskey glass

    Bad places:

    a. Ashrams
    b. gallery openings
    c. Ivy League institutions
    d. golf courses

    11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

    12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

    a. you're older than dirt
    b. you're blind
    c. you shot a man in Memphis
    d. you can't be satisfied

    No, if:

    a. you have all your teeth
    b. you were once blind but now can see
    c. the man in Memphis lived.
    d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

    13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

    2010 update : Tiger can nowadays sing the blues.
    You know like this:
    I got a good woman,
    but she beats me with iron seven
    Im f$^%ing everything whats moving
    and I will not go to heaven.
    and then some rhymes about stress - mistress etc. :)

    14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

    Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

    a. wine
    b. whiskey or bourbon
    c. muddy water
    d. black coffee

    The following are NOT Blues beverages:

    a. mixed drinks
    b. kosher wine
    c. Snapple
    d. sparkling water

    15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

    16. Some Blues names for women:

    a. Sadie
    b. Big Mama
    c. Bessie
    d. Fat River Dumpling

    17. Some Blues names for men:

    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Little Willie
    d. Big Willie

    18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
    c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

    For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

    (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

    20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don't care.

    The following colors do not belong in the Blues:

    a. violet

    b. beige

    c. mauve, except for mauve_force of course.

    This can be translated into French, but only in Paris, not in Canada

  • Darn it, my new AI can't sing da blues, then, after all.  She was called Sequoia...

    My AI can't sing da bluez
    My AI can't sing da bluez
    She was called Sequoia
    An' now she can't sing da bluez

    She caught a virus
    She caught a virus
    She took over my SUV
    An' now she can't sing da bluez

    Drove down the roadhouse
    I said, she drove it down the roadhouse
    she drove it down the roadhouse
    An' now she can't sing da bluez

    My SUV's a write off
    My SUV's a write off
    Sequoia crashed.  Blues screen of death.
    My AI can't sing da bluez

  • Well none of can sing da blues if we are reading this on our computers.
    Regards
    Acned Banana Reagan
  • I laughed a lot. Thx Billy.
  • I've run into a few other Blues Rules. I'm not saying that I agree with them or like them, but I can't argue with them. It's the way of the Blues.
     
    20. Blues lyrics refer to concrete events, realistic scenarios, and tangible objects. Lyrics containing the following subjects are, by definition, not blues-worthy:
    a. Theoretical Physics
    b. Dragons and/or wizards
    c. Unicorns, pixies, leprechauns, or any other magical creatures
    d. Benevolent Government
    e. Philosophy (unless referring to a Philosophy of the Blues)
    f. Time Travel (see Theoretical Physics)
     
    21. Blues vocals must be sung with passion, raw emotion, and a throat that sounds like you've been gargling a mixture of broken glass, gravel, and sulfuric acid. Blues vocals should work up to a fever pitch to sound as though they are one split second away from a violent and unbelievably gory meltdown. The Blues are never sung in falsetto  or while performing choreography. Typically, the Blues are also never performed while wearing a tutu, playing a vuvuzela (which gives others the blues), or developing your calligraphy skills. While these last few restrictions do not usually require rigid enforcement, they are still widely accepted.
     
    22. Blues songs frequently feature a description of events surrounding an unpleasant or unfortunate circumstance. Not all circumstances, however, will elicit the same degree of empathy or support from the audience. Situations which should probably be avoided when writing Blues may include:
    a. Minor Paper Cut
    b. A General Sense of Disquiet
    c. Not enough Likes on your Facebook Post
    d. Looking like a Newb
    e. Getting slightly sub-par gas mileage
    f. Realizing that while life may have had difficult moments, ultimately each of us is responsible for our choices and that the freedom to make those choices is coupled with the acceptance of the associated consequences.
     
    23. Blues music is not typically dance music. If one is moved to dance to a Blues song, one must do so in an extemporaneous manner, with wild abandon and feeling. Synchronized moves are not allowed. Line dancing is right out. Falling down is an important part of dancing to the Blues. Falling off of the stage is common, especially for bassists (even though they do not dance)